OMG! :)
"Men are genetically defective" :)
Check this out :) heheh.
HERE.
5 Reasons Men Cheat—and How to Stay Faithful
By: Samantha Cleaver
So you found "The One" and you're deep into relationship-building
mode. Nothing's better at derailing "till death do us part" than an
"accidental" date or a roll in someone else's hay. We've heard all the
excuses:
It just happened. I didn't see it coming.
According to a 2008 Gallup poll, 54 percent of Americans know someone personally who has an
unfaithful spouse.
And the University of Chicago's General Social Survey consistently
finds that 20 percent of men cheat in their lifetimes, compared with 12
percent of women. Look around you: attractive colleagues, flirty
baristas, hot neighbors. Your day may be coming.
Think it's just about sex? Not so fast. When marriage therapist M. Gary Neuman interviewed 100
cheating men for his recent book,
The Truth about Cheating, only eight cited sex as the main reason for their infidelity. Forty-eight of them said emotional issues drove them to
cheat. If sex was a factor, other problems were probably lurking.
Knowing what makes men stray and how to squelch those urges can help
keep you and your chosen one happy for the long haul. Tapping new
research in genetics, economics, anthropology, and biology, as well as
our experts' advice, we've developed this guide to the causes of
infidelity—and what you can do to make sure the home fires blaze hot enough to keep you happy.
You're a Dirty Rat
Well, not a rat, exactly, but a vole—a prairie vole. This small
rodent is one of the few mammals that actually bond with their mates,
and a vole's genetic traits give scientists clues about why humans stray
from theirs. It turns out there's a switch inside the brain that
controls the desire to form close ties. Emory University psychiatry
professor Larry Young, Ph.D., has found that switch in voles: It's a
gene that regulates the release of vasopressin, a hormone that activates
receptors in the brain to regulate behavior.
In male voles, vasopressin helps keep the mate close and the competition
far away. Assuming that what's true for voles is also true for humans,
vasopressin activates bonding centers in your brain, making you feel
attached and protective. (In women, oxytocin serves the same purpose.)
But according to scientists at Stockholm's Karolinska Institute, if you
have a certain variation of the gene coding for one type of vasopressin
receptor, you won't be as affectionate and cuddly as your mate would
like you to be. The 2008 Karolinska study found that with this version
of the gene, you're less likely to commit and twice as likely to report
recent relationship problems.
Having the gene variant isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card, however. Your
culture, childhood, and other life experiences play a large role in
determining your behavior, Young says. "This gene changes the
probability of the type of relationship you'll have; it doesn't
determine it," he explains. "So you can't ever say you're genetically
pre-determined to cheat."
Keep the faith: To ward off any
such probabilities in your own relationship, increase your intimacy to
boost bonding. "We know that vasopressin is released during sex," says
Young, "and it's probably released in other intimate situations as
well." Make sure your vasopressin receptors are firing throughout the
day by creating what Neuman calls "touch points." Commit to making five
small, intimate gestures—a hug, kiss, e-mail, or text, for
instance—throughout the day. As she responds with five of her own,
you'll ignite the vasopressin bonding centers in your brain at least 10
times each day.
You're Not Risk-Averse Enough
For many men, cheating is simply another decision, one with its own
set of costs and benefits. Infidelity has uncertain and individual
outcomes—you don't know how guilty you'll feel afterward, whether or not
she'll catch you, or exactly what you'll lose in a divorce—so
economists Edinaldo Tebaldi, Ph.D., of Bryant University, and Bruce
Elmslie, Ph.D., of the University of New Hampshire, have developed a
model that identifies some of the factors influencing a person's
decision to cheat.
Their study, published last year, reveals that men and women use
drastically different decision-making processes. What's she thinking? A
lot. Is he worth keeping, or is there
someone out there that might be worth the risk of leaving? Just how much
(money, love, companionship, security) will I lose if I get caught
spending my lunch hour in a seedy motel? It's about her relationship, her future, and the investment she might lose if she's caught.
What are you thinking? Not much: Is there an opportunity, and will I get caught?
Keep the faith: Make an informed
decision by figuring out what you'd be losing now and in the future,
Neuman says. Once you realize the risks, start sticking around the
house. More than half of the men Neuman interviewed spent time away from
home before they cheated. "They started working later, scheduling more
business travel, or hanging out with friends," he says. While you're at
home, do something few men do when they find their eyes roving: Face
your spouse and admit to her that something's wrong. "Tell her, 'I'm
looking around and I shouldn't be,'" Neuman says. "Then figure out, with
her, what can you do to make the relationship better. Once you know
what's wrong and how you'll fix it, saving your marriage will replace
thoughts of cheating."
You Don't Recognize Threats
When they're surrounded in social situations by what researchers call
"attractive alternatives," men tend to let their guard down too much.
In a McGill University study, men and women who were presented with a
virtual-reality assessment reacted very differently when they were asked
to evaluate a group of photographs that included an image of an
attractive person of the opposite sex. Women avoided the photo, but men
didn't. Asked to imagine an interaction with an attractive classmate of
the opposite sex, women increased their thoughts of commitment and
threat. Men (drum roll) didn't.
The McGill researchers suspect that women strive to be protectors and
gatekeepers of their relationships, or that they view threats to their
relationships as personal. (Men, on the other hand, tend to be more
individualistic; they don't define themselves by their relationships as
much.) Either way, women use if-then contingencies—if he comes over here, then I'll excuse myself to get a drink—that spark automatic defense mechanisms when they see an attractive alternative moving in.
Keep the faith: Take a page from
her playbook and develop your own if-then plan. The McGill researchers
found that when men do this before entering a situation with lots of
potential other women (if Susan comes over here, then I'll head for the men's room), they're more likely to perceive and ward off threats.
Your Banter is Off
Want to find out how likely you are to cheat? Start counting the
number of times you two snarl at each other, and the number of times you
smile. When Elizabeth Allen, Ph.D., an assistant professor of
psychology at the University of Colorado, reviewed communication between
partners about to get married, she found that those with lower ratios
of positive-to-negative behaviors were more likely to cheat in the early
years of their marriages. Couples with a 2.4-to-1 ratio of positive
interactions (eye contact, nodding, smiling) to negative ones (scowling,
eye rolling, expressing contempt) before marriage were more likely to
experience infidelity after the wedding than couples with 4-to-1
positive-to-negative ratios.
It wasn't that these partners didn't like each other—at the time, they
probably thought they'd be living happily ever after. But the mates who
didn't cheat down the line had many more positive interactions before
marriage than those who cheated. "The way you interact and the more
positive you are, the more you seem to be buffered from future risk,"
Allen says.
Keep the faith: Boost your
ratios—whether you're just dating or already married—by keeping
contemptuous words, criticism, stonewalling, and defensiveness to a
minimum, Allen says. Even if you're not feeling great, try to increase
your positivity, encouragement, and collaborative problem-solving, and
look for things you can agree on. In her study, Allen observed behaviors
like smiling, nodding, and saying things like "I agree," "I
understand," and "good point" to be helpful. Other researchers have
found that even happy couples sometimes enter negative territory, Allen
noted, but they break themselves out of it quickly. If you find yourself
in an argument, acknowledge her point of view and try to find a
compromise. The more you do this, the more she will, too, and, well, the
happier you both will be.
You're Not Challenging Each Other
It takes more than sex to keep partners engaged, says Gary
Lewandowski, Ph.D., an associate professor of psychology at Monmouth
University. We need our partners to challenge us and (to quote Jerry
Maguire) complete us. "We look for relationships that make us better
people," says Lewandowski, "and we're looking for partners who will be
able to improve who we are."
Lewandowski calls this process "self-expanding." But the precise amount
of self-expansion you need from a spouse or girlfriend is subjective,
says Lewandowski. What's more important is determining whether or not
that dynamic exists in the first place. In his recent study, Lewandowski
found that partners who felt their mates weren't providing them with
enough excitement to make them better people were more aware of
opportunities and alternatives, paving the way for cheating.
Keep the faith: Are you sitting
around waiting for her to challenge you? So's she. "You can't be a
passive participant in your relationship, waiting for your partner to
dazzle you," Lewandowski says. "It's a two-way street." If you're
frustrated with your self-expansion, let her in on the secret. Put
yourselves on the same page by making self-expansion part of your
everyday conversation, says Lewandowski. Then set goals that can help
you both expand. Ask her to help compensate for your weaknesses by
teaching you something—how to make that homemade pizza crust that you
love, for example. Or offer to teach her something new, like the new
move you've been practicing on the basketball court. Then sign up for a
rec league together so you can both try out your new skills.
And make future plans—pick up tickets to a show neither of you have
heard of or book a cheap flight to somewhere you've never been. Pulling
off moves like these will ensure that you're pushing each other in the
right ways—and always will be.